Feeling glum. Don't worry, nothing is wrong with Elsie, not really. I'm just having one of those days where I am feeling the weight and the worry of the last 110 days, and I'm tired of it all.
Elsie had another follow-up eye exam, and they warned me not to watch because they have to prop her eyelids open with a speculum and it's not pleasant. So I watched from afar, and it was kinda freaky to see her little eyelids opened up so far. She didn't enjoy it. Anyway, they spotted a small area in her eye where they might need to go back in with the lasers and zap some blood vessels that they missed. They're going to do another exam on Monday to see if it is worse, and if so, then they'll schedule another surgery. Which will set us back again with the learning to breastfeed and weaning off the oxygen.
I left the hospital feeling weary and feeling sorry for myself. I saw another family leaving the hospital, the mother being wheeled out with a wheelchair and the proud father carrying their new baby in a car seat. And suddenly, tears were pricking my eyes. I want to bring my baby home. I want to not worry about her eyes. I want to hold her without seeing her oxygen needs go up, because she doesn't like being touched. I want to hold her and not have the constant worry that I might not be holding her in a good position for her airway to be open enough. I want to feed her and snuggle her and dress her, without the constant drag of tubes and cords that are attached to her body. I want her older sister to see her and know that this mysterious "baby Elsie" that we always talk about is an actual baby and is her little sister. I want to be together with my two children and my husband, instead of always one child or the other. I want the worry and turmoil and crazy schedules and finding babysitters and everything else to just go away. I'm done with it all today.
Don't worry, I'll be fine. Just needed to vent. Happy Wednesday, everybody :)